YAWN.

Life needs to pick up.

Let's settle the score.

I might be going to the Philippines in the summer.
I might be getting a dog when we come back from there.
I somewhat don't want a party.
I have a lot to do Sunday.
I need to clean my room.
I just want a job to get a camera & clothes.
I am just so selfish sometimes.
I miss the summer.
I am scared I might not get into college.

Oh and
I miss my boyfriend loads.
:(


But I still love my life.


"An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind."
- M.K. Gandhi.

Breath in for luck.

When all else fails, read.

I feel so anxious right now. My heart's racing and my hands are shaking. It could be from the cold air in my room or something else. My anxiety about college is getting to me. I'm so scared I might not get into the college I want to go to and I'll be stuck with some lame bottom of the list one. Maybe my QPA isn't good enough. I know my SAT score isn't. Or maybe my essays are just a bunch of my thoughts thrown together with no clarity. Backspace is my best friend right now because I can't seem to be writing as well as I should. :(

I really needed more than a three day weekend. I'd like for there to be a snow day, but the chances of that happening is slim to none. GRR. Stupid school. Stupid mid-terms. I wish we had exemptions. I hate worrying about myself and others. It's a terrible trait being so concerned about other people. Ay nako. That's all I can say.

& I hate running out of things to say. Really.

I must include this though. She-man was hilarious tonight.
So for shits & giggles:
Eman: yeah tell me about it
Eman: i have to do a double take sometimes
Eman: sometimes its like "is that a banana in her pocket?"
Eman: turns out its just her penis
Eman: it gets to the point wher i want the banana but then i realize its just a penis

Me: it's a movie about a vagina with teeth. like wtf.
Eman: that sounds kinky

There is a movie though about a "killer vagina" as he calls it. Watch the trailer. It made me laugh.


"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
- Albert Einstein.

I need $$$.

And a peace of mind.

My dad's being cruel, making fun of how I want that camera. It's pretty funny though. He and my brother are leaving for Philippines March 12, I think. My dad's coming back in April and my brother's coming back in August. We might be going to Philippines again during the summer. Yay.

$23.
Not sure if I want to spend my $250 on it. :/
I still need to pay back Joe and Emmanuel. Bah.

What a cruel, cruel world.

On repeat.

I haven't done any work yet and I've been home since 3:45. I've been in an antsy mood lately (besides Monday cause that was just a bad day). I want to go out and do something. I don't even know what nor do I care. Like, I'm starting to hate just sitting around and doing homework. Or even just being inside. I don't know why. I really can't wait until summer. I've been wanting to just go out to some immense field and lie down, staring up at the sky. For some reason, I've grown a fascination with the sky. Morning, afternoon, night. Night especially cause of the stars. I can't wait until I save up enough money to buy a good camera. I want to capture something beautiful. Ah, you have no idea how frustrated I get when I realize I can't do that. :(

I day dream regularly now. Sometimes, I just catch myself drifting away to the thoughts of warm weather and life. I miss the trees. I miss the vibrant colors painted across the sky. I miss the hum of the birds. I love winter, but not the desolate and dreary one we've been having. My ideal winter is sunny with a layer of powdered snow on the ground so that everything just happens to light up. I love those winters, but it's been getting warmer and snow seems to be nonexistent. It upsets me. There's not much I can do about that though. Spring and summer. That's what I'm waiting for. It's my something to look forward to since I don't have any right now.

This blog was basically pointless. Snaps if you read it and didn't fall asleep. :)


"The first step -- especially for young people with energy and drive and talent, but not money -- the first step to controlling your world is to control your culture. To model and demonstrate the kind of world you demand to live in. To write the books. Make the music. Shoot the films. Paint the art."
- Chuck Palahniuk.

Struck dumb.

I am a selfish little egocentric bitch.


EDIT. 9:37AM
Apart from that, I really can't wait until summer to watch this:

Even though I'm not that big of a fan for Batman.
It's a bad day already. Ugh.
My brother and dad are going to the Philippines some time in March. My dad's gonna be gone for about three weeks. My brother is probably gonna stay there for awhile. Probably for school, even. This depresses me. I wish I could go. It's still two months from now, but I'm gonna miss them both.

The start of being eighteen is rough as of now. :(
I am frustrated.

Total: $235
That is double the sad smilies. :( :(

"You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive."
- Morrie Schwartz.

Plus one.

Eighteen years and counting.

So I am officially an adult today. I can't say my birthday was the best because it wasn't. It had its ups and downs; more downs than I would have anticipated, but what can I do. The day started out fine. Nothing special except for the fact that I was really tired. Everyone said happy birthday, gave hugs, the usual sentiments. It seemed like my bad luck emerged during Health when I couldn't get my PowerPoint to work until ten minutes later. It was stupid. I hate technology. I still got a hundred on that though. Good for me, I suppose. After that, everything just sort of went downhill with copying my calculus homework and my failure to concentrate on studying for my AP Physics quiz. A few minutes after the quiz began, the stupid fire alarm goes off and we're stuck in the pouring rain for give or take ten minutes. And it's cold. And I had no coat. And I was wearing white. What a bitch that was. The good thing that came out of that was Laverick turned it into a take home test which I'm really thankful for because I don't understand collisions. Anyway, linguistics was just stupid. It's an easy A, but just a waste of my time, honestly. Frankie did surprise me though so that made up for the bad parts of the day.

I slept for an hour of my dinner party. It's not that I was ungrateful for it; I love my parents for doing that, but I guess I was just in a bad mood. My mom had me print out 70 copies of some flier for church so that took up time. Blah blah blah. My eighteenth birthday wasn't what I expected it to be, but I guess I just have to accept the fact that it wasn't amazing. Thanks to everyone though for all the birthday wishes.

Now, I have $257 and two shirts that I probably will never wear. Hah.

After the discussion I had in the senior lounge with Suzy, Matt, and Emmanuel, I guess I shouldn't worry so much about my future or expect things not to happen. I like to dream.


"Dream as if you'll live forever; Live as if you'll die tomorrow."
- James Dean.

Awkward.

That's how I feel using this. I've been so used to Xanga all my life. I needed a change and something different. Xanga was good for the mediocre and unimportant rants. I suppose this is my upgrade. I can't exactly say how devoted I'll be to this; I'll try to write as much as I can.

I got home today bursting with thoughts about my future. Every time around my birthday, I tend to re-evaluate my life and the events which led up to that day. I'm sure everyone does this; I'm not alone in that aspect. I'll be turning eighteen this Friday. I'm always excited for my birthday, but this year seems to be different. I'm still excited, but anxious at the same time. I'm going to be legal. I'm going to be an adult. I admit - I'm scared about being thrown into the real world. Having more responsibility than I do now is such a difficult idea for me to fathom. I've always had my parents guide me, but here I am, already making my own decisions about my future.

I'm very anxious about the decade left I have of education. This is what I get for wanting to become a doctor. That goal is near the top of my list. I want to do something amazing and saving the lives of children is the best thing I can possibly do for humanity - I want to be at their beginning so I can guarantee them a wonderful life. Medical school is what I'm scared of the most. From all the research I've done these past few days, I'll be at least a quarter of a million dollars in debt from undergraduate and graduate studies. Plus, during medical school, I won't have much of a life at all. Studying and learning are going to be what I live for. Right now, it seems like I won't have time for anything else like traveling or having my own family. Sacrifice is a large part of life, but, deep down, I don't want to give up my original dreams.

Do I want to give up a few of my dreams? Just to satisfy others?

"You didn't get it. Sacrifice is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to."
- The Five People You Meet in Heaven


EDIT. 8:52PM
$430?! For senior pictures? WTF. That's half a thousand dollars. Practically. AH. This is insane. I just needed to get that out. But dude, wtf.