You said we'd talk.

So far, spring break is not what I hoped it be. I haven't done anything productive except print out invitations and play chauffeur for my mom, sister, and godmother. Bah.

You know that stage of being almost asleep, but not really? I think that's when I start to think a lot. Like a lot, a lot. I always reach this point where I don't know where I'm heading in life or what I want. Or how I feel in general. This week has been a waste because I haven't been feeling happy. And I regret not being happy because I know it's pathetic to feel this way every single day, but I don't know. I'm pretty damn sure I could be happier if I tried, but there's nothing here that makes me happy. I want a hobby just so I can fill up my time, but I don't have the money to fulfill those needs. Reading's alright, but it's so old. I do it all the time.

I really don't know. I watched Donnie Darko the other day. I remember going "I know how that feels" when this scene took place:
Dr. Thurman: Do you feel alone right now?
Donnie: Oh, I dunno. I mean I'd like to believe I'm not but I just... I've just never seen any proof so I... I just don't debate it anymore, you know? It's like I could spend my whole life debating it over and over again, weighing the pros and cons and in the end I still wouldn't have any proof so I just... I just don't debate it anymore. It's absurd.

That's basically how I feel. I mean, I'm pretty damn sure I have friends who I can obviously go to whenever I have problems, etc. but I don't know. I want to talk to them and yet I don't want to at the same time. If that makes sense. Probably not. You know how everyone (almost everyone) has that one person who they can always rely on, joke around with, talk about the most philosophical thing in the world and not sound insane to them, ask for advice, etc.? I don't have that right now and that's what bothers me. Eighteen years and I don't have that. Maybe it's just me. I'm so cynical now after all that's happened. I'm probably being melodramatic, but ugh. I hate investing all my emotions into one person, expecting too much, and not get anything out of it, you know? I somehow manage to get hurt no matter how well I think I emotionally protect myself. It's to the point where I don't really try anymore. What's the point in really trying when I'm only setting myself up to get hurt in the end? More than I intended to in the beginning. I do try to be happy. I smile when I feel like shit, but that hasn't gotten me anywhere at all. I'm tired of finding out the good and the bad in my life and pretending I'm okay. Maybe I am. I just don't feel it. And not feeling it is deadly in itself because I feel emotionally dead. Despondent even.

I went to the doctor's today. I need my blood works re-done. If my thyroid whatever level is still out of range (mine was 39.6 I think and the norm was 39.0), I need my thyroid scan. Lovely. Maybe that might explain my fatigue, increase in appetite, and lack of weight gain. Or that could just be a byproduct of my emotional problems. Whatever.

And now my brother might be staying in Philippines for school. Ugh. Although we fought like cats and dogs and we hardly spoke to one another when he was here, I miss him. I felt like crying when I read the comment he left me cause staying there for school is a long time. :( Baaah.

I'm always setting myself up for stuff like this. I need someone to vent to. Or a vacation. A real one.

All I can do is sigh.

Gasm.

Just my luck, you know. Right when I'm at my halfway point for that Rebel XTi, Canon has to come out with a new one: the Rebel XSi. Which is approx. going to be $900, almost $300 more expensive. But ah, I want it. It comes out in April though.

This was pointless. I'll save the juicy stuff for later.

Speak.

What am I doing with my life???

Meet me in Montauk.

I miss talking. Not the "how are you, etc., etc.," bullshit, but real talk. Real conversation where you care (or at least pretend to) about what I say. Is it that hard?

Tell me, is it?

I really don't like how I am right now. Academically, I'm excelling. Emotionally, I'm dying. I don't know where I stand with you anymore (this can apply to more than one person, by the way). It's actually really sad cause I thought things would be different. And that feeling, that horrible, horrible feeling when your heart skips a beat at the very thought of you is killing me.

Stop.



I wonder if you still feel the same way, but then I try to shrug away the thoughts knowing you don't. It hurts. Wanting to know, but not wanting to say it. I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid of what you think of me.

I am Jack's broken heart.

I've been having Fight Club and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in my head lately. Sorry if I allude to them too much.

I am a complete disappointment. I had an anxiety attack in school yesterday. It was pretty horrible. I don't want to feel that again. I am pathetic.

I'll finish this later.

You had me at hello,

but you're slowly fading away into the darkness.

& I don't like it at all.